Your Ex’s Friend…

"Hey, your friend is cute"

I’d wager to say that 99% of you would agree that you should never date your friend’s ex. You’d say things like “I wouldn’t risk my friendship“, “It would be weird” and “I don’t want my friends leftovers”. This is an unwritten but generally understood rule for women and I believe it applies to men as well (for relationships anyway, I think smashing your homies sidepiece is acceptable in man logic. Correct me if I’m wrong guys)

My point is we all know your friend’s ex is off-limits, but….what about your ex’s friend? Yes I’m aware that to my ex’s friend, I’m his friends ex, just work with me. If you read my previous post Out of the Blue you know that one of the three guys that were exempted out of my man cleanse is a good friend of one of my “exes”. I say ex with air quotes why am I really doing them? because we never really dated (he was insistent on being my “non-boyfriend“) but we did hang out for a couple of months. I guess the bigger point is Mr. Off Limits (he needed a name) and I certainly met because of the “ex” ok I’m stopping with the quotes let’s call him “Roger” i lied bout the quotes. For the sake of today’s post I’ll skip the backstory on Roger and just skip to how he wanted to be friends first and then build to a relationship. As a friend he wanted me to meet all his friends fairly soon and I hit it off with most of the crew. I still talk to most of them through social media, at least three of them have called when they’ve been in my city post-Roger and we’ve hung out.

Like I said in my previous post Mr. Off Limits and I flirt quite a bit online. Sadly, I’m pretty sure that’s all it is. Still I wonder if there was something more, could we even explore it considering how we met. We are good as friends; we agree on a lot of things, we encourage each other, we like the same shows, we turn each other on to new music, we’ve even talked about taking a trip together. I think we have several things necessary for a good relationship (on the surface at least, again almost all our interaction is electronic). Actually one of our (Mr Off Limits, Roger and my) mutual friends said just this weekend that we should stop playing around and just get together. So wouldn’t it be awful if we could really be great together, but would never know simply because his friend liked me first and we happened to go on some dates.

I’m one of the few who have never bought the friend’s ex’s rule 100%. Sure I agree it is applicable for most circumstances, if they were in a serious long-term relationship, if it ended badly, if the ex broke it off and you know your friend still has feelings, then HELL to the naw! (where is the naw anyway). However, I think some people (especially women) want to call off sides I’m positive that is a totally inaccurate use of that term, it just sounded right on any man they’ve ever thought about to dating, tried to date, asked on a date or wished they could date. I’m just saying if you never actually went on a date with the guy how can you call dibs? Maybe it’s because I run in small circles, I’m not with different crews word to Toronto but it stands to reason that if birds of a feather flock together that your friend (or friend of a friend) pool may just be the best source of potential mates. So if you date someone in that pool, why must you be off limits to all the other swimmers? Why should you be penalized if you went on a couple of dates with Guy A just to realize he’s annoying and now his buddy Guy B seems cool? If any of my friends wanted to date Roger I wouldn’t care, we didn’t work, but maybe they would!

I’ll throw in a wrench. Does it make any difference if the ex doesn’t mind? I don’t recall how it came up, but one day Roger told me that I should go for Mr. Off Limits and that he thought that Mr. Off Limits was interested. Now I know most of you think he was just running off at the mouth, but you’d have to know Roger to understand that I really think he wouldn’t care. I do, however, have a feeling that Mr. Off Limits might care (not that I actually think he’s interested anyway).

In short, I actually see nothing wrong with me dating Mr. Off Limits. Now before y’all just decide that I’m just a trifling heffa, I have some reasons for this:

1) Roger has already said he doesn’t care
2) Roger has moved on, he’s married now
3) They’re guys and I don’t think they are as serious about this rule as women

So what do you think? Is there ever an acceptable circumstance to date your friend’s ex? Have you done it? Did it work out? Are men as serious about this rule as women? What constitutes an ex? a single date? a few months? or a long-term relationship? If a friend of yours wanted to date your ex would you mind? Would I be wrong to pursue Mr. Off Limits?*

*I just thought I’d let y’all know that if Mr. Off Limits ever make as real move it’s on like popcorn. So I’m not asking for validation or some cosignage on my ignorance. I just wondered how others felt about the issue. I may not make a move, but that’s because I never make the move, not because I’m concerned about how it would look. Though I wouldn’t want to make Mr. Off Limits feel uncomfortable


4 comments on “Your Ex’s Friend…

  1. I love this post!!

    I had a fall out with Bestie about dating a guy that she went on one date with and didn’t even like. I didn’t ask her permission to date him, but before I went on a date with him I confirmed with her that she wouldn’t mind. Later on I found out that she did mind. I went out with him and we were actually compatible, until he said he wasn’t sure he would ever get married again and refused to have kids if he wasn’t getting married. Ummm, needless to say I kicked him to the curb, but it was still worth the pursuit. Bestie and I are still best friends, and we have more of an understanding of how to approach the “I dated him first so ask for my permission bitch” situation next time, lol.

    Women are super territorial and like to stake claims on what’s really not there’s or some guy that they don’t even care about just for the sake of you not going out with him. I’m a firm believer of one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Girl if Roger already said it’s cool to pursue Mr. Off Limits then by all means it should be “on like popcorn” (I too love quotes, lmao).

    And as far as someone being referred to as an ex and getting ‘ex’ consideration when I’m making dating decisions, you are only an ex IF you committed to me and called me your girlfriend publicly. Otherwise, you were nothing more than someone I kicked it with for a while.

    • I knew I liked you. lol I’ve always thought someone’s trash is someone else’s treasure. Except for some trash that should be taken directly to the landfill. And we definitely never used the titles boyfriend and girlfriend so by your definition, as well as mine, he’s definitely not my ex.

      I’m happy to hear that you and your bestie worked it out. In my case it’s definitely worth it for me to pursue him, if I was a pursuer, but I’m not sure it is for him. Oh well, it will play itself out. He’s a great e-flirt buddy if nothing else.

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